I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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