Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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