I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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