He disabled his match.com account in front of me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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