just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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