I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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