I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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