the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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