I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I stole a fireplace last night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
