The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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