There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
