My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
