I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
