You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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