Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
