she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
