I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
