What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
