he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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