Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
