Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
