This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
