I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
