i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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