look no pants
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
