An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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