That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
