Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So vagazzling was a success
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
