Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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