unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
