I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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