If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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