when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
