dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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