Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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