Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
