yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
