he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
