there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
