Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
