Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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