He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My balls are so social today.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
