she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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