Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I didn't notice because vodka
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
