this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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