I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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