I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
