Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
