Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
