You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
