4 words: hood of his car
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
