Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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