last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
