from now on my penis is your penis
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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