I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
