so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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