I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
