his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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