Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
