Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
