alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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