so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
