So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
